Have you ever just sat down on a good day to think about how you got to this point in your journey through life? Well, that’s the point where I was before I decided to have a conversation with one of the right thinking members of the society. Don’t ask, just walk with me!
So, on this very beautiful day after work, I decided to have a very unusual day. Before then, the routine was “go to work, and go home thereafter”, and we all know how routines get boring at some point. That’s where this discussion about one of the most popular concepts in the world “LOVE” popped up with that right thinking member of the public I mentioned earlier.
Of course, love isn’t always about romance, as a matter of fact, most people will agree that there’s more to love than just the romantic aspect of it. It’s a lot more work than it appears on the outside.
The question that begs to be answered however is: Why then does it seem like having started dating this amazing lady or man as the case may be, at some point, the chaser becomes the chased? We’ll come back to this question eventually. For now, here’s something I think you should know about this subject matter.
Disclaimer: I am not a Relationship Expert. Just a young brown skinned girl telling her tales about a journey still being embarked upon.
A couple of months ago, I had just come out of this dark emotional state where a couple of us have all been at some point. It was the cliché “girl meets guy” scenario, for some unexplainable reason, boy sees another girl and decides to move on with her, leaving first girl heartbroken and devastated. So, in the dark state, I decided to just “lock-up” on this whole relationship thing and just occupy my mind with something else. Or so I thought. You have no idea how empty I felt. Judge me not! Up until that point, I believed I needed to be with someone else in order to experience that feeling of being “in love”.
Fast forward to a couple of months later, typically, dudes started coming into the picture and speaking all manner of English inside my ears. Having worked so hard to gather the pieces of my once broken heart, there was no way I was going to listen to any fine-faced young man. There was no way I would put my happiness, my love, my contentment, my anything into the hands of someone else. So, instead of looking for just any member of the male specie to fill the emotional void I was feeling at the moment, I decided to find my “in love” state.
Worry not, you’ll soon get the point. I took the advice of a friend (who also happens to be a psychologist) to write a list of “100 things I absolutely love about myself” (and nope, it wasn’t easy). But I realized one thing, with every passing day, I moved more and more into my “in love” state. The more comfortable I got with it, the more I believed it. And typically, that love began to radiate around me. I gave myself beautiful things I wished someone else would. I tapped into the universal flow of divine love every day through my meditations (thank God for beautiful music as well), I took me out and before I knew it, I had found my “in love” state.
At this point, I knew me and I loved and still love me so much. Don’t ask me if I found “the one”, tongue out all you need to know is that, I’m at a point in my journey wherein I don’t need words of affirmation before I understand how much I mean to me. Don’t get me wrong, everyone deserves to be loved, but then, can you really give what you do not have? nemo dat quod non habet
So, remember that beautiful mess that was supposed to be “Love”? Turns out to have taught me a lot of amazing lessons.
First, You have to Love Yourself.
We all come from different backgrounds, some of us grew up in loving and encouraging families, and some didn’t. We’ve probably all had some kind of relationship in our lives that has left us feeling hurt. You can’t control external circumstances, what you can however control is your choices. It can be hard to love when you feel broken. If you don’t come into any relationship (romantic, friendship, family) whole, you end up (1) asking others to fill the broken pieces; or (2) shutting them out completely. You must first love yourself, then and only then can you offer other relationships your strengths rather than looking to them to fix your weaknesses. We all have the power to make this decision no matter what life has dealt us with.
Be Someone You Would Love
It is always easier to blame others. Always! What’s hard is looking to yourself and realizing that maybe it’s you who needs to change. Before you have amazing relationships, you have to be someone you would love. Be the mother or father you would want to have, be the girlfriend or boyfriend you would want to fall in love with. This is a lifelong process and the important people in your life will help you with it if you are open to it. Stop focusing on the short comings of others and work on yourself.
Love is a lot of Work
Every important relationship in one’s life requires attention for it to grow. I am so guilty of being that friend who says stuffs like “I’ll call you back” but never does……. Well, I’m seriously working on it. It is so easy to get busy with your life, with work, with school, making money, or whatever you are passionate about and not focus on cultivating the love in your life. If you neglect any relationship in your life, it will naturally decline over time. In order to truly love, you must be intentional about it. Studies have shown that you can always make out time for what/who you love.
Learn to Communicate
Numerous studies have identified communication (or the lack of it thereof) as one of the top reasons for many unnecessary drama in relationships. Given, not everyone is going to have the same communication pattern as yours. It is important to note that each and every individual is raised differently, hence, they deal with problems differently. This understanding will help you deal better in your relationships. Be kind in your words, as it is a combination of what we say and the way we say it that hurts people. At the end of the day, it really takes understanding to work with other people.
Remember the question I talked about at the beginning, now would be a good time to talk about it. I’d really love to hear what you think.
“Why then does it seem like having started dating this amazing lady or man as the case may be, at some point, the chaser becomes the chased?”
Really waiting to hear your thoughts on this….
Feel free to share because someone out there might be just need that piece of information.